Not gonna happen...

I hoped I woke up early enough to be able to get some work done in the comfort of a cup of coffee and the recliner. I was sorely mistaken. As the Sun was peeking through the trees. 3 out of four dogs were up and needed to go out, their, “accidents” from the middle of the night needed to be taken care of. They’re all good dogs, for the most part, some more willful than others but none so much as to be be purposefully defiant. I bought the pee-pee pads with the bullseye on them which, for whatever reason, unbeknownst to me, work better than the normal ones. Be it science, magic or luck, not having the scrape poo of the floor is worth every extra penny.

Cut to an hour and a half later, where I have not been able to get shit done. Been sitting with all four dogs so that world war woof doesn’t break out and everyone else can go about their business. I don’t think I would care as much if there were not academic work to be done. Unfortunately for me there is. So the time to sit and free write becomes smaller and smaller. I was really hoping to go 100% into NaNoWriMo this year but I’m not sure, with my honors project and other paper, that writing a novel is in my best interest. I still have random stuff to do to prepare for nursing clinicals in the spring as well as random doctor’s appointments and unavoidable social engagements.

That being said, it’s time to get to work.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,

jj

I still loveyou...

Inevitably you will love someone at some point in your life. Hopefully more than one person and hopefully more than one time in your life. Your heart breaks and eventually heals. It’s whole again but the scar tissue is still there, much like the memories of whatever caused it break in the first place. Sometimes that person has made it to the inside of your fortress of solitude. Other times it’s friends or whether or not you want to admit it, acquaintances…people you just, “kind of know.” Unfortunately family is not immune to making this type of hurt and what’s worse, you never really expect it from people you have trusted for the majority of your life.

The trust which grew over many years, makes the hurt ache and burn and you just wish it would go away and take all the memories surrounding it, with it. Sometimes it’s not possible and you’re forced to face the pain and everything that accompanies it. It’s even more awkward when it’s family. Lately I have tried to ride a family member less and less about things they do or don’t do, because they are just annoying and inconsiderate to everyone else. I’m also working on not getting annoyed by the little things but I will be the first to admit, that shit is hard and I may be having a harder time with that than, not tearing into family like they’re a permanent speed bump.

Now some may say things are not that bad and that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence and I am not disagreeing with them. I do however, wish they could get a glimpse into what exactly I am saying rings my chimes. All this being said, love your family as much as you can and even more than they deserve. Love your friends as much as you can. Finally, don’t be that person that goes out of their way to make shit harder for everyone else. No one likes having that person around.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,

JJ

under the knife...

heading into surgery again tomorrow, hopefully for the last time in a while

be it a blessing or a curse, im not nervous, never have been

if there is something that goes wrong, i don’t have to worry about it. if i were to pass away because of a mistake be it freak or otherwise, i would only grieve for my friends and family

not being able to say goodbye and right some of the wrongs ive committed during my time here would really piss me off…maybe

for there is no certainty other than energy cannot be destroyed, it just changes form

from this mortal form to something more or less magnificent

it would be comforting to me and i suppose a great many people to know whether or not we retain our conscious memories but somehow i don’t think that is part of the deal. i think as our spirit leaves our body, chemicals in our brains are releases

 and induce visions from our memories, to aid our passing, so that our last moments are not solidified in fear. i think we make peace with whatever our belief system is and we have some knowledge that everything is going to be ok.

unless you know deep down you were not a good person and then you are overcome with grief and sadness because no one wants to be an asshole nor, be remembered as one. it is my belief we all want to be remembered as good sons and daughters, husbands and wives, brothers and sisters, good friends and at the very least a good person

to me even if one has made some really bad decisions, done things that sometimes keep them up at night, if they know they have been in the wrong, have somehow felt some sort of sadness or regret and at their core are a fundamentally good person, i think it all, as one of my favorite priests, father andrew fabian said, “it all comes out in the metaphysical wash…”

and with that, i say,

“tres domine my souls become less real

tres domine my souls become undone

tres domine my soul just won’t heal

tres domine, tres domine.”